The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Thats what I have been doing.  I have had a long journey, I know that.  I have gone through so much junk, know that too.  Its been a long and frustrating journey, a rewarding one also.

That being said, sometimes I wonder if my body just wants to retain fat.

Is that possible?

Ok, so I exercise my BUTT off, I mean at least 4x a week, for about 1 hour at a time.  I take body combat and body pump classes at my gym (LOVE THEM) and I count my calories religiously.  I am not going to quit, don’t think that at all.

But after all this work, the 2 weeks came to weigh in and I lost 1 pound. 

ONE STINKING POUND!

What gives?  Does my body enjoy being fat? 

I am not discouraged, don’t get me wrong.  I know all the “oh its probably water weight” or “is it that time of the month?”  I know all of that, but is it really possible for a body to want to retain its fat? 

I am bound and determined to get to my goal sometime in my life.  I never dreamed it would be that hard.

I never knew how hard this was.  I mean, losing the last pounds is the hardest thing ever.

I now have the uttmost respect for people who have 20, 30, 40 lbs to lose.  It is HARD!

So I am not discouraged but I am disappointed, I think that is acceptable!

Hopefully my body gets with the program and loses some weight!  It was easier to lose weight when I weighed 300!  I ate a lot more and didn’t exercise! 

Now I am in the best shape of my life, I am stronger than ever and toning.  So I’m sure that is part of it too.

But, come on, I want that number to MOVE!!!!!!

On a recent trip, my husband, myself and our 2 kids were following our GPS around Madison, WI.  We took a wrong turn, even though we thought it was the right turn!  The GPS system immediatly recalculated our route and posted a new route.  It never told us to forget it because we took a wrong turn.  It just puts us back on that path.  It turns us around.  Then i was thinking………..

How many times have we needed an internal GPS when we “take a wrong turn” on our weight loss path?  I have needed it many times!  When I make bad choices with my food, I can very easily get off the path and make a wrong turn.  What I do with that turn is my choice.  I can listen to my GPS and turn around, put the fork/spoon/plate down and get back on the track or I can ignore it and just keep going down the wrong path.  That GPS keeps ringing in my head, telling me “TURN AROUND!”. 

What a great metaphor for me and my life.  If a little GPS computer doesn’t give up on us when we travel, our internal GPS shouldn’t either.

Tina

When weight loss is my goal, what is my motivation?  Why am I doing this?  What motivates me to do what I am doing?  If I was asked this question years ago, my motivation would be all artificial.  I would want to look better, to wear a small size and to “be happy”.  The whole “being happy” thing was my big hang up.  If only I could lose this weight, well, then my life would be perfect.  For some reason, people who were skinny or averaged sized just didn’t have problems!  To me, being fat was the worst problem on earth and I wanted people to feel sorry for me.

After lots of work, LOTS and Lots of work, I have realized this.  Losing weight has not made my life easier.  What is has done is helped me deal with life in a healthy way.  Instead of eating when I was stressed and masking up my emotions, I deal with them.  It is actually harder!  I cannot run away from my feelings and hide with my ice cream.  I have to face it, deal with it, and accept it.  Thats some hard stuff to swallow! 

When I look at older pictures of me, I see someone just sad.  I was very sad a lot of the time.  But I dont think I really knew it.  The main reasons for my sadness were my childhood, my relationship with my father and my low self esteem.  The food was just a symptom of the problem.  I was using the food to medicate me so I wouldn’t feel any emotions.  I also see someone who thought being thin was the answer to all my problems.  I wished so many times I could wave a magic wand and I would lose the weight.  I probably would have kept that off for 1 day.  I would have still not dealt with my issues.  What does this mean?  Out of control eating to soothe myself. 

The only way I have been successful is dealing with all the garbage that has been in my life.  For me to come full circle, I had to  look into my past and deal with what was hurting me.  It was not fun or enjoyable.  I wished I didn’t have to talk about all those bad things.  But it was a requirement to move forward.  I was carrying these things around with me EVERYWHERE I went, and really I was, because they took the form of pounds on my body.  I was 305 pounds at my heaviest.  Food was my comfort.  That was the only way I knew how to take care of myself. 

This definately has been a journey.  A journey that is never going to end.  Once I have dealt with my past I will never look at food the same again.  It is not my comfort.  Now it is my nourishment.  I use food as a fuel for my body instead of as a crutch.  If I am emotionally eating, I have to step back and do a self check.  What is going on in my life that is making me self medicate? 

Last year was a hard year for our family.  I gained 25 pounds last year.  And I am surprised it was not more.  I let myself go back into the self medicating instead of self care.  Self care is when I put myself on my to do list and take care of myself with healthy food and regular exercise.  My family needed me and I felt guilty for wanting to put myself on my list.  well people, I am back on the list!

Put yourself on your list.  No one can do this for us.  We must fight the fight for ourselves.  Life is so much sweeter when food is not the focus, but life is!

Ok everyone, I’ve been addicted to facebook.  So my recommitment to buddyslim has been put on the back burner.  bummer!!  But I was remined today about how awesome Buddyslim is.  So here I am.  I want to reconnect with my old buddies!

So, last year was horrible!  I gained 25 lbs (ouch!) and was ready to just keep packing it on.  But my very tight pants put an end to that.  I was disgusted with myself and determined to get back to my lowest and even lower!  We joined a new Fitness Club that just ROCKS!  it has a class that I love to death!  Its called Les Mills Body Pump, wow that is a great class!  Its only offered at select clubs who train to teach it, so I am incredibly lucky that they have it where I go.  I have lost 15 lbs of the 25 from last year.  My body refuses to lose too much.  I will stay the same for 4 weeks then lose 2 lbs.  I exercise at least 3x a week, for 1 hour at a time.  I count my calories too!  What gives?  Not like I am going to stop.  This is my life.  This is who I am now.  Its not some ride I am on and will get off.  That is not an option.  My life is not what it was before, and I will never go back to that. 

Hoping to hear from old friends soon!  hang in there all!

Tina

Here I go again!  Whew I’ve missed the community here.  I’ve been on facebook a lot, but a friend of mine from here said I needed to come back.  I just forgot about how crucial having support is.

I have been watching Oprah this past week and she talked about her struggles the past year.  I was in that same boat.  I put myself on the back burner, again, and gained 25 lbs last year.  I have lost 10 of it (YEAH!) but it was very, very hard to do!  I got back into my old eating habits.  I truely believe that I will never be the 300 lb woman I was 7 years ago, BUT I sometimes have the same mindset.  Its a constant battle.  I will never WIN the battle, its a daily fight.  I am not so focused on the scale right now but just my eating.  Did I make good choices?  Am I eating when I wasn’t hungry?  How was my exercising?  I need to focus on the changes that really matter.  So I wanted to pop in again, tell you that I found a new wagon and will be checking here more often (instead of 1x a year!). 

Tina

Hello everyone.  I have been MIA for a long time, sorry about that.  Life came at us hard this year and I put my weight loss on the back burner.  Because of that I gained 15 lbs, which I have lost 5 lbs already.  But gaining is not fun!  Ok the eating part is fun for a while, but when the pants get tight, it sucks!  It also sucks that this is something I will have to manage for the rest of my life.  I have to be conscious of what I am eating for eternity.  I know that.  I don’t want to accept it, but I have to.  Darnit!

So there’s been a lot of stuff going on here.   We are coming out of the darkness I believe.  We have been struggling financially, but thats getting better now, thank God.  We had lots of sickness in the winter, my daughter had surgery, my husband is going to have surgery, I injured my back, the list goes on and on.  Its been stressfull, but we are making it.

I started online schooling.  Going to class was way to hard, so I could only do 1 class per week.  That would take me way to long to complete my degree.  I got 2 A’s in my last classes, yehaw!  That was a great confidence boost.  I also got a part time job to help payoff our debts.  I am working 2x a week in the morning at Old Navy, stocking the shelves with clothes before the store opens.  Not my career choice, for sure, but its a job and we need the extra money right now. 

Sorry again for being mia.  I just didn’t feel like spilling my problems out at the time, but I’m feeling better now and not so overwhelmed. 

My poor baby had her tonsils and adnoids out yesterday.  Yesterday was a breeze compared to today!!!  Trying to reason with a cranky 3 year old is not fun!  She spit her medicine out all over, poor thing was in so much pain.  I called the surgeon at 4 am since she was crying so much it made her cough ( a no no!).  He said if she didn’t drink something or take her meds we would have to admit her to the ER to get an i.v.  Well we succeeded in pinning her down (not fun), but its tough love right now.  She is going to be better soon, I feel bad for her.  Its been a lazy day watching movies with her, I don’t mind that part of it.  Now the ice cream part, I’m having issues with!!! 

We are on track to have our house ready to list next week.  My DH and I are very excited and at peace about this.  We LOVE our house we are in, its just too much money for us.  We have huge plans and goals, and this house payment doesn’t fit into it.  So its a big step of faith, but we are excited and feel like its going to be a whole new beginning.

Our court date in Monday for our tenant.  He has been MIA, but I would be too if I lived somewhere for 4 months for free.  We are praying we can sell that house asap for a quick sale price.  We won’t make any money, but as long as we don’t have to keep paying that mortgage thats great with me.

I am still going to college.  I am considering online schools, the schedule of going to a community college is hard, and I can’t see myself being gone for more than 1 night a week.  Ill keep youposted!

My food this week, good and HORRIBLE.  I am self medicating with food, again.  I’m aware of it, and I am ready for my routine to be back.  But now it is spring break for the kids and I am home with them all day, and my dd is recovering.  I’ll have to sneak away!

Well dd is needing me.  Wanted to keep you posted!

hi buddies, I haven’t been around in a while.  Its been sucky here to say the least.  I want you to all know I am here  still, I will be around again soon.  Whew!!!  i made it before, now we are on the crazyness again.  OMG!!  But God is in control and I have to give it to him.  Here’s a low down of whats going on here:

1. My daughter is having surgery tomorrow for tonsils and adnoids

2.  We are preparing our house to move into a different city

3.  Being a business owner isn’t easy.  We have been having a hard time getting people to pay us!

4.  Family DRAMA!!!  My FIL is a jerk, you all know that if you have read my blogs before.  We are moving into a smaller house so we can get our own health insurance and be out of his money control.  Its a bad thing to be in.  But we are determined to get out of it!

5.  We are evicting our tenant, we have ANOTHER court date next monday.  He has been in there for 3.5 months without paying a dime of rent, or utilities.  He is a total LOSER!!  We are then going to try to sell that house.  OMG!

So thats what is going on.  Its hard but we see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Weight loss and exercise haen’t been a priority right now, we are kinda in survival mode.  But thats ok.  I haven’t gained, I’m not out of control.  Thats OK!

Talk to youall soon, thanks for checking out my blog!

OMG last week was the most horrible week ever!!!  My kids both went to the doctor 3 times!!! YES thats right people, 3 times within the last few weeks!!!  They both had strep 2x!!  They both then got ear infections!!  They both got a huge cold!  They were the sickest little kids known to man!!!  Finally they are on the mend.  My poor son wouldn’t respond to his medicine, so finally after trying another kind he is getting back to normal.  It was a long week, I was worn out, but I didn’t get sick.  I have some superior immune system or something.  I think eating healthy has made a huge difference for sure!

So since my whole fam was sick, I haven’t been able to work out for weeks.  Its been sooooooooo sucky that I haven’t been able to (DH had strep also).  But things are looking up and I think I can get back into my routine this week.  THANK GOD!!!

I’m washing the sheets and cleaning the “sickness” out of my house today.  I love getting everythng clean after people are finally better.

So just a short one today.  Gotta run!

BLAH!!  I can’t take this anymore!!!  THe snow, the cold, everyone in the house sick (except me).  Its been a hard winter.  We have a 14 inch snowfall 2 weeks ago, tomorrow is calling for maybe another 12.  OMG!!  I’m so fed up with snow!!!!  My birthday is on the 22nd, and last year I was sick on my birthday.  I’m crossing my fingers that I won’t be sick, cuz so far everyone else has had it except me.  I’m making sure I take my vitamins!!  I only got 1 workout in this week, and when I went today I didn’t feel 100%, so maybe I’ll just be a little sick.  My dh and dd have a fever, my dd and ds both had streph, my dd had it 2x since the dr gave her the wrong dose of medicine!!  I was fuming!!!  Anyway, now I am switching her to another dr, I wanted to for a while but just never did it.  Well that was the last straw buddy!!  UGH!!!

So on a lighter note, we paid off our van, and now we are officially owners of BOTH of our cars.  WHOHOO!!!  Now we are working on paying off all our debts except our house, and we should get that done within the next month or 2.  THis has been a few years in the making so we are finally in the climax of it all.   Thank God!!!

Our rental property is a real NIGHTMARE to say the least.  For those who don’t know, my dh bought a house 2 years ago to flip, you know fix up and sell and make money.  Well no one would buy it so we had to rent it out.  Bad mistake #1, buying a 2nd house with credit.  BAD IDEA, never again.  So we rented it to a family, and eventually evicted them, they left the house in shambles; filled with junk, things broken, they cost us about $3000 in late payments and clean up fees.  There’s no way to get the money back.  Now we have a new tenant who seemed like a nice guy, but hes a LOSER!!  Complete LOSER!!  He is already 2 months past due on his rent, so he owes for Jan and Feb, and he REFUSES to put the utilities in his name.  So he told us he would give us a deposit and if we put it in our name he would pay every month.  Well he never gave us a deposit, and so its not in anyones name now.  We are going to the courthouse on Tuesday, since Monday is a holiday, and filing the evictions papers.  He’s already been given his notice from us, and he has one excuse after another.  He really needs to grow up and stop making excuses and pay up.  Its such a headache, but hopefully we can get him out of our lives soon.  Then we hope we can put the home upf or sale (vacant) in march and sell it below market.  We gave up on making any money on it since the market is crap, so if we could just get rid of it it would be great!!!  UGH!!!

So my dh and I seem to learn lots of lessons, gosh!!!  But it will be out of our lives soon.

My school is going great.  My human services class is great, I love it.  We have to volunteer 18 hours during our sememster at a grade school that is in the poor side of town.  I go in every friday morning for 2 hours.  Its been an eye opening expereince.  Some of the kids wear dirty clothes or need a bath really bad; one little boy told me how his dad is in jail.  It broke my heart; I wanted to cry.  Buy I knew I was  positive influence that they needed.  It was hard to see, but it is reality.  VOlunteering is a great thing, you all should try it.

Take care all!