The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Did my weigh in this am and I am down 2 more lbs.!!  Yeah!!!  I am so excited, the 170’s are going to be here soon.

A pretty boring day today.  I took the kids to a friends house to play, and I took them to the park.  Now my son is over there playing and is coming home soon, dh is picking him up (45 mins late!!  but thats another story).  So its an uneventful day, but the weigh in this morning was about the best excitement to get so thats good!

I have been looking at my tummy a lot in the mirror and I do not like what I see.  It looks like a deflated something, the skin is all puckery and saggy, and I know that in order to get a halfway decent looking stomach I will have to get plastic surgery someday.  When I started this trek 4 years ago I told my hubby that when I made it to my goal weight (150 something) that I was going to have plastic surgery done.  He said YES but now its getting really close to being in those 150’s (never thought I would be so close) and the stomach is still horrible looking.  Its kinda like a cruel joke.  I work so hard to lose all this weight and I still have the skin, reminding me of what I looked like before.  I would just like to not have this huge pouch the rest of my life.  I know no amount of sit ups or crunches can make skin smaller, so I guess I can get down to my goal and see what I look like.  I’m sure I have a few pounds of skin, so maybe I actually weigh less!!  LOL  BUt its scary, but exciting at the same time.  I didn’t have to have weight loss surgery to lose all of this, and I was considering that before.  My insurance was not going to pay for it, and I was going to pay cash (well a loan) for it.  So now its something I worked very hard on for years, ups and downs, u-turns, backslides, uphill battles and easy downhill days.  Its would be the last chapter in this weight loss journey.  Now i know the battle will never be over, I’m not saying that, but I am saying that I will close this chapter of baggy belly syndrome someday.

Well thats whats going on today, I will blog again when I get a chance!

Love you guys!

HI everyone, today is a rainy day here.  I took my son to his summer camp, of course he had to cry (real tears!) all the way there and tell me he was going to miss me tooooo much.  I tell ya, a 5 year old knows how to give a guilt trip!!!  He says “you want me to be gone all day long!!!” and “I just want to spend time with you, mama!” and the classic “I’ll miss you too much that I won’t have fun”.  So anyway, with 10 minutes of him crying and hiding in the car, I did manage to put him in his classroom, he went there yesterday and had a blast.  SO I don’t know what is going on.  Meanwhile, my 2 year old pooped her pants and of course I didn’t bring inside the diaper bag, she’s running around like crazy, playing in the drinking fountain, laying on the floor, playing with the alarm buttons (at least she hasn’t set it off yet) and other mischevious things that she can do.  I had to run back out into the van, get a diaper and guess what NO WIPES.  So I saw another mom in the bathroom and she has 1 wipe to spare!!!  Really only 1 wipe left but it did remind me of Seinfeld when she didn’t have a square to spare!!!  LOL  So I had to be sure my son didn’t see me (of course they left the classroom door open and its across the hall from the bathroom!), but I managed to get her changed with 1 wipe, how I don’t know.  This really should be an olympic event.  My son wasn’t crying when I left, and we made it to the car safely, then I thought I would go to target even though my daughter was in a crazy screaming mood (she’s a moody girl already!!!).  We did get some fruit snacks at target, she saw the hello kitty ones and had to have them.  “I want kitty cats mama!” she says.  So she proceeds to eat almost 1/2 the box in target, throwing the orange ones on the floor every few feet, slobbering on her hands and grabbing my shirt at the same time.  I managed to get my items in the cart (yes more baby wipes) and then I thought she could have a snack at the target snack bar.  She wanted doritoes, well I couldn’t tell her no, because its a meltdown kinda day so she had doritoes all over her face and hands, and then the mess ended up on my shirt.  I always have handprints of her on my shirt or pants of her daily meals and snacks.  Doritoes on my shirt at 10:00 was kinda bad, thank god for tide to go, it almost dissapeared!!!

I went home and let the dog outside, but dd lets him in after a few minutes, so he wants some loving also.  I only have so much to go around.  THen I picked up my son at 11:30, and guess who had tons of fun.  HIM!!!  Even with all that drama and sobbing, he had a blast, so hopefully tomorrow’s drop off will go better.  I told my hubby maybe he can drop him off.  I picked up his best friend, Jacob, after his class, who is also 5.  They have a love/hate relationship.  He’s a good kid, but he’s even more dramatic than my son and he talks so loud like he’s lost his hearing!!!  OMG!!!  So then it gets even crazier, my dog thinks all kids are playthings, so he’s in need of a huge intervention that the kids batman capes are not chew toys!!!  Both boys are crying cuz the dog is play biting them, so I tell the boys to come upstairs so the dog can be left alone.  DO you think they listen??  Of course not, running up and down the stairs, my 2 year old following, a dog wanting to nip little arms and legs chasing after them.  UGH!!!  We made it though without any incidents (except for my son hitting Jacob with a lightsaber) which was an all out drama in itself, crying, real tears (again).  COme on I’ve seen enough tears and poop today for a loooooong time.  Finally I got the dog in his crate, the other boy back home, and went outside to throw the frisbee with the dog.  He’s resting now, since I made him run around like mad to get all the crazyness out of him!!!  And my daughter did take a nap through all this, don’ t know how, even with the loudest kid in the universe 2 feet away from the door yelling “JOSHUA WHERE ARE YOU??”

Ahhh the life of a stay at home mom, its a stressfull thing, for sure.  I felt the urge to eat something to help my sanity, but I didn’t .  I stuck to my guns and drank some water and then read some of a book.  I decided to get the Oprah book club book from the library, boy I’m glad I didn’t buy it.  Middlesex is a messed up book man, its so disturbing that I don’t want to read any more of it.  SOmeone born with male and female genitals and the secrets of his/her life, how disturbing is that.  But then again, at least my problems aren’t anything like that, I don’t have messed up parts just a crazy life at home.

Where what was a lot to say!!!

So anyway, I plan on going for a walk later, probably taking the dog Jack with me.  We’ve had him for 2 weeks so far.  He is a terrible, I mean TERRIBLE walker, so we are training him this week to learn not to pull you all over the place.  Its a gruelling job, but at least with a dog they can have a leash.  SOmetimes I think my 2  year old needs  leash, and then I saw someone today with her toddler and he actually had a leash!!  A backpack with a leash stuck to it.  That made me say “hmmm I might need one of those!!”.

So those are my rambling thoughts today, I am staying sane with the help of blogging, some exercise and a sleeping toddler.  Ahhhh  can’t wait for them to all be  in bed tonight, its been one of those days!

Ok everyone, I realized today that my weight loss of 120 lbs really is a loss of a whole person.  Or of both of my kids and my dog, thats a whole lotta weight.  It’s mind boggling, so sometimes I just can’t believe it.  But its true.  It really is.  Pinch me!!  Its so weird to not be completely huge, to be able to shop in a real store and wear clothes that I pick out instead of buying whatever fits me.  So I had a rough last 6 months, not really able to lose anything, gaining a few pounds, but never getting over 200, but I was close.  And I had another aha moment I guess.  I finally know that I am never giving up on myself and that I will NEVER gain this weight back again.  I will never be a size 26 (tight) again, I will never have to shop at a plus size store and I will never be ashamed of the person I have become.  TO me this is my dream that I have wanted my whole life.  I always would dream about losing all this weight and going back to school in the fall and no one recognizing me.  But when you have zero self esteem, no matter what I did, I couldn’t succeed.

I realized that I have all or nothing thinking.  I either had to follow my diet “perfectly” or I was a failure.  I would not allow myself to have a bad day then get right back on track.  I would throw in the towel and give up on myself when I needed it the most.  I know for sure I will never give up on myself again, and sure there will be days that I eat like a cow, or don’t exersize, or whatever, I know those days are coming sometime.  But I am not going to let a mess up define me as a person.  If I have made a mistake, it doesn’t mean that I am a failure.  So the journey continues, always giving me more insight on myself and my journey, always teaching me more.  Its been a total transformation, inside and out.

I’ve been asked by so many people what my secret is.  How did I do it??  Its not a magic plan or diet, its really believing in myself and never giving up, no matter what a mess I’ve made of my eating for a day or days.  Always putting myself first (when I can!) and finding time for “me” and working on my self esteem.  After I worked on my self esteem, the weight kinda happened naturally (well it did take work), but my outlook was so much different.  I didn’t sabatoge myself anymore, I enjoyed me, and I forgave me for my flub ups.

Well I already went for a walk this morning with my dd, probably will exercise again tonight.  I love to walk now, when I am stressed instead of wanting to eat I want to exercise!!  Last night I had to get out and walk, the kids were driving me crazy, and I felt so much better afterwards.  A million times better than eating a candy bar!!!  Plus it doesn’t have those guilty feeling afterwards.

So I am positive today, having a great day even with crabby kids and a messy house.  I am loving myself and thankful for every minute!

Well I had my weigh in this a.m. and I’m down another 2 lbs.  I can’t adjust my weight here, because with my new scale I bought, I found out it was about 10 lbs off!!!  That stinks, but at least I know now how much I really weigh.  The dial scales are really easy to get a wrong reading on, so I got a digital and its accurate at heck so I can’t be wrong again!!  So when I thought I was 185, I think I was acually 195, then I gained 4 lbs earlier this year, so I was close to 200.  I said NO WAY so I got back on track and this am I weighed 186.4, so I’m so excited!!  Maybe next week I can adjust my weight here.  I can’t wait to be in the 170’s, I haven’t been there ever in my adult life.  Really this is the smallest I’ve been EVER!!!  My size 14’s are loose, so 12’s are coming soon.  WHAHOOOO!!!!!

I got a morning out this a.m.  DH stayed home w/the kiddies.  I went out to breakfast, and then got in a really good workout, I couldn’t believe that I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, I used to be able to only do5 minutes.  What a difference.  WOW.  I was amazed, I could have gone longer, but I had to get home so DH could go to work.

Tonight I am going out again, yeah!!  My girlfriend (not the one who snubbed me) and I are going to dinner and a movie.  I think we are going to see knocked up, I’ve heard it was really good.

So its been a good day so far, I gotta find something to do with my 5 year old son.  He wants something fun to do, so I gotta pick my brain and come up with something we haven’t done already 100 times this week!!!!  (LOrd I’ve colored soooooooo many pictures!).

Oh and I’ve also decided I’m going back to college to finish my degree.  I gave up so many times, and really I had such bad self esteem that I just didn’t want to try.  Well that was the old Tina, College watch out!!! 

Thats about it, have a great weekend!

Ok everyone, I just have to put this into words today.  I’ve been letting circumstances, people, the scale, everything steal my joy, and I am not going to put up with it anymore.  Why am I letting other people determine my outlook for the day?  This thing with my friend I ran into at Target has been buggin me since last Friday, and you know what, I have to just say who cares!!!  If someone is going to act like that then they are toxic and I don’t need them in my life.  Sure things are going to effect me, they have even more that I am not using food to medicate, but I have to realize that I can still stay positive and joyful even if people or circumstances aren’t the best.  So I am giving up this anger and negativity associated with my “friend” and moving forward.  I am not going to obsess about why she is giving me the snub any longer!!!

The last 2 days I have exercised at the gym, doing the elliptical for 25 minutes (sweaty as a pig!) and doing the weights 1x.  It feels sooooooo good to be into the exercise groove again.  If I don’t exercise, I get very crabby.  My dh even notices it, so its on the top of my priorities, I feel soooo much better afterwards, it helps me inside and outside.  So today I think I will take a walk later, its so nice outside, and I just love the fresh air.  Sometimes the kids want to come (and the dog) and it makes it a little stressful, one going this way, other way up ahead, but thats OK.

Oh I forgot to mention we got a new dog last week, we adopted him from a shelter.  He’s a border collie/aust. shephard mix.  He’s about 2 years old, and such a good boy.  My dh had been buggin me for a while for a dog, so I thought I’d give in this time!!!  We used to have dogs when my son was first born, but I couldn’t handle them, I had post pardom depression and I couldn’t handle the dogs and a baby.  So now that the kids are older, and I am a lot more healthier both physically and mentally, I think its a good decision.  I’ll put a photo of him on my profile page, he’s a sweetie, he just needs to gain about 10 lbs, he was neglected at his previous owner.  He’s really good about going into his crate, he’s gentle with the kids, he was such a great find.  He doesn’t like loud noises though, the neighbor is putting new siding on his house and its getting him all crazy, so I had to turn on the air and shut the windows to help him calm down!

So dh and my ds are taking him to obedience classes starting this Saturday.  It will be good for them to do something together as father and son that doesn’t involve video games or play fighting, plus the dog will bond more with them.  Also it will give me some time with my dd, so its a good thing.

THats about it everyone, and I am staying positive!!!

I always heard people talking about weight loss as a “lifestyle change” or a “journey” and I really didn’t like it when they said that.  You mean I have to do this the rest of my life??  That’s what I didn’t like about it.  But now I’ve embraced the term “journey” because this IS the rest of my life.  I never was able to maintain my weight losses in the past (too many pounds to count).  I thought the reason was a bad diet, actually I could lose weight, I couldnt’ maintain it.  It was what I did AFTER the weight loss.

I would binge eat, emotionally eat, stop exercising, eat all my fried foods, sweet foods, without limits.  I would go back into “fat” eating mode, and that’s where I failed.  I finally “got it”, finally.

This is a lifestyle change.  But it is a change with my mindset, my attitude, and myself, not just the outside, but the inside.  I don’t ever want to gain this weight back, and I know for sure, that I never will.  Why?? Because I won’t allow it.  Instead of bingeing, being in denial, and busting out the fat pants, I get right back on track.

I heard someone say this on Oprah, not word for word but she said that the secret to not gaining back your weight is if you do have a binge, or eat a whole sleeve of oreoes, or a bunch of ice cream, start the next meal as it NOTHING happened.  THere’s been too many times that I ate something bad, could have been reversable with some “on track” days, but I told myself this:

“See you can’t do this, you are a failure.  Go eat something else to make you feel better.” 

Isn’t this true??  How many times have you ate something bad and told yourself you were a failure?? You are not a failure, we are human, and we must be forgiving of ourselves.  I gained 5 lbs earlier in the year, but I didn’t let it get past that.  I am not in denial, I am weighing myself, and not letting the negative self talk get me off my journey.  I’ve done a U-Turn sooooooooo many times, only to gain all my weight back and be even more miserable and ashamed.  I remember being so ashamed to see relatives I hadn’t seen in a while because I gained my weight back plus more.

I’ve also worked on my food issues, sure I will always be a compulsive overeater, but I’ve worked on it.  I’ve replaced the feeling of “Oh I have to eat to make myself feel better” with more positive things.  Like reading, journaling, talking to friends, exercising, all things I never did.  Now my body craves going for a walk when I am stressed instead of reaching for that candy (but the urge still comes, but I go for the exercise). 

I wish the journey was as easy as following a diet and thats it.  Its not that.  Not at all.  I will be on this journey forever, till I die.  I’ll never be able to just eat like a thin person, I’ll always have to be aware of what I eat, but that’s ok, I embrace it instead of reject it and be in denial.  What denial did to me is made me gain my weight back.  I can’t deny it anymore.

So thats what I have been feeling today, embracing my spot on the journey, thankful for every pit stop I have had, and yes every U-Turn.  Bring it on!!!

Hi Buddies, today started out good.  I lost 1.2 lbs for my weekly weigh in (yeah!) and got to brouse Target without the kids (dh was home with them).  THen I ran into my friend, Kelli.  We’ve been friends for years, she was in my wedding 10 years ago, we drifted apart, but still kept in contact.  I was invited to her baby shower, yada yada, but we didn’t talk too much.  Anyway I saw her at Target and waved and yelled “Hi Kelli!!” and she was coming towards me with her cart, her new baby, and just said “hi” barely and kept walking.  Wait a minute here, WHAT??  So I said her name 3 more times, she still kep walking, so I ran up to her and said “wait can I see your baby at least?”  She’s said ok, and so I asked her if everything was ok, she said “yeah, uh-huh” wouldn’t talk to me or anything, totally aloof with me and snobbish.  What the heck??  ANyway I am so upset about it, I know she’s probably mad about something I supposidly did, not even sure what, but she was mad at another friend and never spoke to her again.  I guess she is a toxic person and I don’t need a toxic person in my life.  So I am confused, and upset, but not using it as an excuse to eat so yeah me!!!

Today my son didn’t want to go to his vacation bible school (Dh was supposed to take him) so he let him stay home.  I was mad!!!  So my son has been all whiney and complainy and  wanting to see friends and wanting this and that, and not happy and not content.  DRIVING ME NUTS.  Again I didn’t use it as an excuse to eat.  I did however get both my kids to the daycare at my gym while I worked out.  My son wasn’t happy, but I told him that he had to go and he can’t do everything he wants to do. 

So I’m having a kinda crappy day.  Have a crabby kid, feeling snubbed by a friend.  But I did lose weight, so its ok, but I’m not that great today.  I was working with my counselor this week on some anxiety I was having, so working through that has made me emotionally fragile, so anything can set me into a crying fit, so my friend didn’t help.  But I am feeling better now.

 Its hard being a stay at home mom to a kid who wants to do fun exciting things all the time.  And when you sign him up for fun exciting things, he doesnt want to go cuz he doesn’t know anyone.  It gets old after a while and discouraging.   He’s very dependant, and he’s 5, so it gets very frustrating and hard, its hard for him to play by himself.  He’s happiest when his friends are over.

Well I better go, I’ll check in with you all soon.

Tina

Hi all my buddyslim friends, long time so see (or talk!!).  I’ve not signed on here for a while, not really sure why, but I found that I was spending way too much time on here and not in the present.  So I have to set boundaries and not spend hours on here reading your interesting blogs!!!  I did realize though that I need your support and encouragement, with my weight loss.  Or my weight maintenance.  Its so hard when people in your life don’t understand or want to know the struggles, and its hard.  I know you all understand and I really appreciate that. 

So anyway, I’ve been up and down the same 5 lbs for the last few months.  Its really ok with me, but I’ve cut down on my calorie intake, been walking daily and I think maybe this plateau is over with. 

I will check back soon, but I have to make sure I am in balance and not focusing on my “online” life and not my family life.

You all Rock!
Tina