The Incredible Shrinking Woman

We’ve been pretty lazy this week, but its been fun.  We filled up the blow up pool for the kids, set up the sprinkler, and have been outside a lot.  Its in the 90’s today, so its perfect.  The kids wanted to have a heated pool, but hey they can be in the cold water, I was when I was a kid!!!

I got my hair cut yesterday and highlighted.  After a big debate as to which haircut I should get, I went with a layered look.  I wanted to still be able to put it up in a ponytail, which is great when I am all sweaty and exercising!!!

I exercised last night (took the dog for a walk) and went this am to the gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical.  Iwas a sweaty pig, it felt good!

Today I think we are going to the public pool to swim, dh is coming home early today since he doesn’t have much to do at the office (self employed).  So we will go this afternoon, should be a fun day.

This weekend we are going to Jellystone Park, its way fun.  We went last year and it was the best vacation we had as a family.  We aren’t camping in a tent, we are renting a mobil home in the park, there’s tons of outdoor stuff to do, so I am looking forward to that!!!

When I did get my hair done, my hairdresser didn’t recognize me!!!  Can you believe that???  I hadn’t seen her in about 1 year, I tried some one else, but didn’t stay there, missed Mary!!  But she didn’t know it was me when I walked in, she had to do a double take.  THen she was asking me about how I lost it all, how I did it and she kept telling me how great I looked.  She for sure thought I was a size 10, that I didn’t need to lose any more.  What??  It was a big ego boost, plus the new hair and waxing the brows, wow I felt like a hot mama!!!

Have a great day buddies!

Being overweight my entire life has made me live life in a bubble.  I mean, I had to shop at “fat” stores (even though they didn’t say fat, women’s still means FAT!!), limited to activities, and the endless comparison of my fat body to others I thought were THIN.  The comparison was something I learned to live with for a while, but now that I am in a thinner body, I thought I wouldn’t be comparing myself to everybody.  I also thought if you weren’t a size 20 something that you weren’t obsessed with your weight.  Anyone to me that could shop in a normal store was a normal size.  So what happened??

Why is it now I can wear a size 12, which to me was my “goal” size and I am still not happy??  Is it now that I am in the “normal” world and weight is discussed even MORE than with fat friends when I was 300 lbs.  Why is that???  I was at a Christian Women’s Conference over the weekend, and about 6 of the 9 speakers made some comment about their weight.  I could not believe it.  It was really peculior (sp??) to me, that people who were well below the weight range I had deemed normal were still obsessed with their body and their weight.  And I realized this:

No matter what size I am there will always be someone thinner

Someone prettier

Someone smarter

Someone with tighter abs

A smaller size

The list can go on and on

I can choose to compare myself to everyone else in this world, or I can look in the mirror at myself and accept who I am and be proud of who I am.  I guess I thought when I reached 14 that I would be just the happiest ever.  Now I can go to a 12, but thats not good enough, I want a sizd 10.  I’m not saying that losing more weight isn’t something I need to do, but what I am saying is where does it end??  Will it keep going and going??  Can I ever say “this is where I am supposed to be and I am happy!!!”?  Am I constantly going to be reaching for something else and not allowing myself to be content where I am and how far I have come?  Listening to these women talk about weight, body image, was a real eye opener for me.  Women from 100 pounds to 300 pounds still struggle with this.  I didn’t know that???!!!!  Its like I am in a bizzarro world!!!  I made it here and its not what I thought it would be.  Also another weird thing was seeing one of my friends in a bathing suit at the hotel we were at.  Looking at her, she seems in great shape but seeing her in a suit she had some rolls.  Hmmmm…..  I guess everyone has rolls.  Like .5% of the population has a flat stomach, yet that is all we see on tv, movies and magazines.  We are fed these lies that this is what normal is, but that isn’t normal at all.  The average american woman is a size 14!!!!  Thats a great normal, isn’t it?? 

So I come to you tonight with this thought:

Can we ever be happy with our bodies??  I am trying very hard to be just that.  Happy. 

It seems like no matter what size the tag says on my pants, I still have the rolls on my belly, I don’t think I would ever have the “flat” stomach I thought I would have.  No matter how much weight I lose.  I guess I am mourning that, I am fed so many images of people that I guess I thought I could be like that.  I can’t, and I want to accept that and embrace the beautiful person I have become. 

So I did go OFF program this weekend, but you know I felt like a “normal” person.  Thats life.  Eating something not so healthy once in a while is LIFE.  This is the rest of my life.  Its hard to put into words what I am feeling, so I hope you can understand my thoughts for tonight.  I’ve arrived where I wanted to, and yes its great to shop wherever I can, I love it.  But I am also dissapointed with how every woman I meet is still obsessed with their weight.  I need to find the balance between denial and obsession, I’m aiming for that!!!

So I still do want to get to my goal weight, but I know that I won’t have that bikini body ever!!! THats what I am mourning!!!  (I will if I have some surgery for skin!).  But thats ok for now, I have to be happy with me!

Yippie everyone!!  I finally lost enough of my past mess ups to change my weight ticker, how exciting!!!  I had bought a new scale in the beginning of this year and ouch I really weighed 195, I got up to 197 so I said I had to get this under control again!!  So counting calories and exercising and drinking my water I finally am at 184!!!  The 170’s are sooooooo close I can feel it.  I can’t believe it.  This is the smallest I have been ever in my adult life.  So this is new ground for me!!!

As I said in a previous blog, 179 will be the weight when my BMI is just “overweight” so I’m way psyched abou that.  Yeah for me!!

Even though I had a successful weigh in day, I ate bad last night.  I didn’t have a planned dinner for the family, so we just ate whatever we wanted to make for ourselves.  I made a BLT, which isn’t that bad, but then snacked on a bunch of little snacky things.  I don’t know what happened, but that’s behind me now.  I always have to be on the lookout, I never know when that “kitchen gnome” is going to strike!!!  (I stole this term from a buddy!!)  No matter how far I have come I always have to be aware of what I am eating, I will always be a compulsive overeater.  Darnit!!!  But that’s ok,  I’m surviving!!!

Well today is nothing too exciting.  We have a lot of projects around the house we have been needing to get done and haven’t found the time.  So today is the day.  My dh had to work this am, but when he gets home we are getting it done.  I’ll feel so much better to have all the little things done (like touchup paint, lightbulbs changed, finish staining the deck)  just lots of little things.

I did get new countertops in my kitchen last month, how exciting!!  And a new granite sink, fancy faucet.  The countertop is fake granite, it looks like granite but is laminate.  Its way cool.  We had to remove a small cabinet that held my cookie sheets to fit our bigger fridge in, so my dh has to fill that in with a filler piece also.  Its never ending!!!

So today I’m done with the mindless snacking!!!  I am back on track, even if it was for a few minutes last night I was eating mindlessly, I’ll be back on track today. 

Well gotta run, the dog is barking and needs some tlc!

Tina 

Just a short note today, I uploaded some new pics of me and found some more horrible before pics.  I just didn’t look that happy in those before ones!!!  Anyway, its an easy day here today, we are playing at home, the kids are still in pj’s, thats a good day!!!  I’ll blog more later when I get a chance!

So I went to a waterpark on Sunday night with the family.  Our former church was having a family night for really cheap so we all decided to go.  I ran into a lot of people that I haven’t seen in a long time (over 5 years) and they could not believe how different I looked.  I mean every person I ran into had to tell me how great I looked.  It was pretty awesome, I tried to not get a big head!!!  But it felt really good, I love getting compliments.  Funny that when I was huge I hated any compliments, and I dismissed them.  Now I embrace those compliments, its so much fun!!!

So I did find a swimming suit that was ok looking, I guess I waited too long in the season to shop but next year I won’t wait.  It is so weird shopping in the misses suit section.  I’m so used to the plus size racks with about 3 suits on it, huge with skirts.  I got to shop for different tops and bottoms, a long tank top kind and a skirt, weird.  So it took a lot longer to find what I wanted, but it was lots more fun!!!

I worked out hard this a.m.  I didn’t want to get up this morning, but I made myself.  Went on the elliptical for 25 minutes, then did some weights and my ab crunches.  So I feel good today.  I’m hoping I lose some more this week, I have had a plateu the last week, but thats ok.  It doesn’t really bother me anymore, I’m not a slave to the scale.  YEAH!!!

My food choices today are awesome.  I had pizza last week, and ever since I ate that I was feeling snacky and wanting to eat eat eat.  I think eating pizza really messes up my mind, so I am going to not eat that for a while.  If my family wants pizza I will just have something else.  I will survive.  Its not worth it if I get all messed up for days because of it.  Plus all that white flour makes me go mental, getting me hungry and I just can’t handle it right now.  So goodbye pizza!!!  (until undetermined date!!!)

RIght now I have my son’s best friend over.  They are both 5 so they are playing ok sometimes, some minutes they are fighting.  Oh joy!!!  My daughter is in her own little world, so I have a few minutes to blog it up!

Thats my week so far, I’ll report back soon hopefully with a loss!

Ok let me explain this everyone.  My BMI for most of my adult life has been “super morbidly obese”, thats when I weighed 305.  Then it went to just “morbidly obese”, still aweful sounding, huh??  Sounds like I was on a death bed or something.  Anyway, I am still considered “obese”!!  (man who did these BMI charts??)   But I have about 6 pounds to go and then I will be just plain “overweight”.  YAHOO!!  Thats a milestone for me.  A HUGE one buddies.  I’ve never been just overweight.  I am boggled of all of this.

Last night I went shopping for the dreaded swimming suit.  Its something I HAVE to buy since the suit I have is a size 16 and way too big (don’t want the sisters to hang out!!).  So I didn’t find anything I liked unfortunately, but I did try on a bunch of size 12’s and they fit.  I couldn’t believe it.  But the style of suit I wanted they didn’t have.  Even though I am not at my goal weight, I still thought I looked pretty good in the suits, even though I didn’t buy one last night!!   We are all going to the mall this afternooon, my dh my dd and ds, to go shopping.  I will try on some suits while the kids play at the play area at the mall.  Its just weird shopping to pick something out that I like and having a lot of choices.  I remember having to just purchase whatever FIT me, which wasn’t a lot.  And now I can try on a whole cartload of clothes and be picky, because I can shop wherever I want to.  It’s like I am in the Seinfeld Bizzaro World (remember that episode??).  Its like I am on a different planet, or having an out of body experience.  Being able to shop in the misses dept.  and try on endless outfits that are actually cute instead of matronly and ugly!!!  This is just the best reward ever and its more than I could ever imagine.

My dh told me “you are getting soooo skinny!!!”.  That just made my day.  He was rubbing my back and shoulders and could feel my new found shoulder bones that had been hidden in a layer of fat for years!!  I of course love the compliments, I don’t mind them at all!!!

Last night I did have a momentary lapse in my eating, I ate after 8:30 which is a NO NO for me.  But thats ok, I’m back on track today.  See everyone, that is the key.  If you mess up its OK!!  Its not the end of the world.  We all didn’t become overweight by eating 1 bad meal!!!  Having 1 binge, or 1 midnight snack.  Its from years of binging.  So don’t for 1 second believe that when you mess up you blew the whole thing, because its not true!!!  I didn’t do great last night, had pizza, then had more later (UH OH!) but thats ok, I’m ok with me and thats all I need!!!  So I am going to have a on program day today and I am happy with that.  I did my weigh in and I stayed the same, so thats great too.  You gotta roll with the punches everyone!  We can’t get ourselves so worked up about everything that we can’t even enjoy where we are at!!!

Well thats about it buddies, have a great weekend!

I had a big moment this morning, I was getting on my dog walking clothes and saw something.  SOmething that I knew I had but never saw before EVER in my life.  I have bones around my neck that stick out now, they aren’t covered in layers of fat anymore.  This is so weird, I’m not used to feeling any sorta bone, just elbows, knees, you know.  But having a bone that i can see and feel on my upper chest is sooooooo weird, like an out of body experience.  I must really be getting close to my goal weight, even though it just doesn’t register with me sometimes.  I mean, I’m so used to having to lose 100 lbs, that being so close to the 150’s is so weird.  Thats just bazaar. 

So anyway, yesterday I bought some new workout clothes, my current ones were a size 1x and they were so big that I had to hike them up to my armpits about!!  LOL  So I bought a size LARGE, just alarge, no X in front of it, and they aren’t tight, they fit.  This is bazaar too.  Its like I’m on another planet.  I still feel weird sometimes buying things that aren’t HUGE as heck, but its such a great feeling.

I also checked my BMI and when I reach 179, which is really close, I will no longer be obese, I will just be overweight.  Which I have NEVER been at either.  I started at super morbidly obese, then morbidly obese, then obese, then soon overweight.  YEah!!

Well have a good 4th everyone!!!  I will stay on program today and exercise too!

Well I’m back in the fight!!!  Its been a long, hard battle, but I know that this weight loss battle is MINE to win.  There’s lots of enemies of my success, you know them all.  Snack foods, all the yummy foods you want to eat, annoying people who force food on you, negative self talk (the I can’t do it mentality).  You know there are many obstacles to weight loss.  It seems so simple when you think about it.  Just don’t eat THAT.  Whatever THAT is, but thinking about it that way it seems so easy.  But its so much more than that.

My battle is a battle of wills.  THere’s fat Tina in my mind, the one who used food for comfort, the one who was insecure, depressed, overweight and underestimated by myself.  I gave up on myself then, I never gave myself a chance to finish anything, most of the time I was too scared to even start something.  This was in all aspects, not just food.  I was a slave to food, letting it hinder my body and my mind and I was powerless to it.

Well this is a long battle, a long fight.  I feel like I’ve had these boxing gloves (well not really, but its a visual) for years.  Sometimes my gloves haven’t been used at all, but now they are worn and tattered, fighting this battle with all my might.  It is a battle, because my “fat Tina” mind still comes out, wanting to sabatoge my efforts.  Or the negative self talk comes in, wanting me to quit when I’ve ate something off program.  But I’ve never taken off my gloves, never given up on the fight.  And I never will.  This is something I will be fighting for the rest of my life, but I am proud of it.  Proud of the changes I have mad and proud of the woman I have become.

So when you want that piece of candy, think of your boxing gloves.  Are you using them?  Or are you allowing yourself to sabatoge your own efforts and believe your negative self talk?   Put them on and kick some butt!!!