The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Just a quick blog today, my son is going to kindergarten today for his first day.  In some ways these past 5 years that he was here is the longest possible.  But now it seems like they have flown by.  I can’t believe he is going to a “real” school with hallways, classrooms, buses and a principal!!  I am so excited for him, but its bittersweet of course.  Life is ever changing, and my son is getting older.  I want him to stay little for just a little longer, he’s always been a momma’s boy.  And I’m sure there will come a day that he won’t need me anymore (or at least he will tell me that!).  Right now I need him more than ever, never thought I would say that, but I am grieving in a way my little boy growing up.  That also means my little girl is growing up also.  Soon she will be out of her crib, out of her diapers, and in preschool.  She will have friends that aren’t hand picked by me, and my son will be riding a school bus.  This is huge.  I was more worried about my son not being ready for school, but I think its if I am ready for him to go to school! 

I am missing my buddies, I am also missing having people comment on my blogs.  Thanks for the few of you that do comment, its nice to know someone out there is reading my random thoughts.  I have always loved buddyslim for the support and encouragement and the accountability, and some of my long time buddies are MIA, or they dissapear, reappear, dissapear again.  Its discouraging.  So anyway, I just had to air that out in the open!!!

Well my son starts kindergarten tomorrow, the strike is over!!!  Thank God!!  He is going for 1 hour tomorrow then his first full day is Thursday, but where we live its only 1/2 day kindergarten since there’s been a huge boom of kids out here.  We are afternoon, 12:45-3:35.  He is taking the bus, its too hard with a dd that naps in the afternoon to wake her up, so they will pick him up at our house at 12:01 then drop off at 3:47, so I get a few more minutes there!!  Yeah!!  Now I have to work on potty training my dd, she just turned 3 on the 19th, and is not even close to going pee on the potty.  If I could get her trained, she could go to preschool and maybe I could have a little peace and quiet!!!  :-)  Hey a woman can dream!

My food has been pretty good, I lost the 5 I gained, so I am back to 184, I will hopefully be in the 170’s by next month.  My parents are visiting the end of September, so I want to be down in the 170’s by then.  Size 14’s now are just too darn big, whohoo!

Thanks for stopping by at my blog!

Wow I am so close, only 5 lbs away to 179, to the 170’s and to a BMI of only overweight.  WOW!!!  You know, I have NEVER reached the 170’s in my adult life.  I think I weighed 170 in grade school, I have always been obese.  So this is just crazy to me.  I have been watching my food like crazy.  I did horrible a few weeks back at the camp resort, gaining 5 lbs.  But they are gone and I am back to my original weight of 184.  So I am looking forward to losing more soon!  I have been feeling pretty good, that really helps me to stay on program.

I took my class on Thursday, someone I knew from my Moms group was there, that was funny!!  I was so glad I knew someone there, what are the odds of that at a college??  It definately will make the class even better.  It was very interesting, I haven’t been in school for sooooo long, so I felt kinda old.  I know I am young, but the teacher asked everyone when they took the prerequisite class, I took mine in 1993!!!  He asked if there were computers back then!!!  LOL  So my real age is disclosed!!!  He is a very interesting professor, and he made it very interesting.  It felt good using the other side of my brain for once!!!

My dh is going away for his annual golf trip for 2 nights, he is leaving tomorrow morning.  So I am going out tonight for myself for some “me” time.  I deserve it for sure!!!

My son still hasn’t started school.  The teachers are still on strike, and I am getting discouraged.  I guess all I can do is wait.

My daughter had her follow up on her doctor’s appt, her hormone levels are a little high but not enough to put her on meds.  But she did show a bone age of 5, and she was 2 years 11 mos at the time.  So that is some concern.  We might get a 2nd opinion.  But right now she doesn’t need medicine so thats great!

Well wanted to check in, I will let you know when the 170’s are here, its going to be a real party for sure!!

My son is supposed to start kindergarten today, but the teachers are on strike.  I am very upset since I have been getting my son ready for this for a while.  Hopefully the teachers can come to an agreement.  This district was on strike just 3 years ago and it took 9 days to make an agreement.  I was so ready for him to go to school, but I am going to play school today with him and be the teacher.  SHould be fun and interesting!!! 

My daughter turned 3 on the 19th, we had a party for her at our house.  She only has a few little friends, so they came and we invited the family.  My daughter loves Hello Kitty so we had a hello kitty party.  I also did my first try at cake decorating, making a hello kitty cake shaped like the head all by myself, with some help with the decorating by my neighbor.  It turned out so cute, and it turned out tasting delicious.  So anyway I did eat way too much frosting.  I could never be a cake decorator, I would be 1,000 pounds!!!

My dh and I sat down to try to do a budget.  We really want some finacial peace.  And on paper we look like we are doing ok, but we want to start paying off our business loans (dh is self employed) and only have our house payment.  We are starting to live by a budget, its hard but at least we won’t have the surprises when we do the checkbook!!!  Also  a huge expense was my dh’s office.  We have played around with the idea of him working at home, but now we are going to do it.  We realized that by him moving at home to work (we are going to have an office built for him downstairs) and not having the overhead we are going to spend $1,700 less a month.  That is huge, more than any budgeting could do.  So in October he is coming to work at home.  We are both excited and a little stressed, but the promise of saving so much expenses is the motivator.  My dh said I was losing my son to school but gaining him, I laughed, then thought who is higher maintenance??  We are going to set some boundaries up about working at home, etc that we will have to follow.  This would make it a lot less stressful for all of us.  Then once he moves here, I can do the bookkeeping part of it, which is something I’ve always wanted to do, so that will be exciting.

I enrolled for my college course and got my book last night.  I think it was the thickest book in the whole store.  OMG!!  I haven’t been at college since 1998, so I am worried how I will do!!  I am taking English 103, I took eng 101 14 years ago.  It will be interesting to take a class.  I am going back to school now as a personal goal I have for myself.  I have the weight thing done that I never thought I could be at under 200 lbs, so this is the next thing on my list.  To get at least my associates.  I only have 12 credits now, but I know I can do this.  I am determined and excited and nervous too!!  My class starts tomorrow night.

Anyway, I think my weight has been the same this week.  Its amazing considering I ate a lot of frosting, but I cut back on my meals a lot.  I am back op today, the cake is gone and I am watching what I eat.

Also we are decluttering our home to have a garage sale and take the money we make to pay off our debts.  So we have piles of stuff all over.  THere’s a lot of stuff going on, but I am managing!!!

So I will check back often to give more updates!

Today I did an online OA meeting for the first time.  I used to attend OA a few years ago, the principals are simple but complex.  I’ve fallen way far away from the OA concept, I still lost weight, but my mind wasn’t sober.  Sobriety for me is not eating binge foods (sugar, sweets, fried foods, white flour items, snacky foods).  Binge foods for me are foods that I can easily overeat on, even if they are labeled “low fat” or “fat free” they still can triger a binge.  And I might not eat what would be cinsidered a binge, but my mind will never be the same after eating that bite.  Its like the food takes over my mind and I am thinking about it, desiring it, and it takes a considerable amount of my time during the day.  Its a force sometimes so powerful that I just can’t stop it, and some people can say that its just that I don’t have will power, really I DONT have will power.  I am powerless to these kinds of foods.  I am a compulsive overeater.  I am powerless to these binge foods.  Why in the world would I have gotten so fat?  There wasn’t some freak thing that happened to my genes when I was born.  I put every calorie in my mouth.  Every bite was MY doing.  And sure I can blame my eating on my childhood, I can blame it on the circumstances now; stresses and daily life.  Sometimes just having that binge would make it all go away, but just for a while.  Then the guilt comes in, and then I feel the lowest of lowes.  I feel shameful and out of control.  Then I vow to myself to stop this insanity.  Stop eating these foods because I know how horrible they make me feel.  And I don’t want to gain my weight back.  But why do you think people gain back the large amounts of weight they lose?  Because its an addiction.  I have admitted this so many times in my life.  And I have come very far, but I can never forget that I have an addiction.

Lately I have been angry at that darned addiction.  I would love it if I could move on with my life and be a normal eater.  Just eat a few bites of dessert, and I’ve been fooling myself lately and telling myself I deserve it.  What I really deserve is the sanity that only comes when I am sober in my food.  That is something that doesn’t compare to any feeling from any food.  Having a mind at peace with food is something I desire more than anything. 

I have heard a lot of my buddies on here talking about being a compulsive overeater.  THey have many questions about compulsive overeating.  What is it?  Here’s a checklist that may be helpful to you (adapted from the OA website):

Do you eat when you aren’t hungry?

Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?

Do you have feelings of guilt or remorse after overeating?

Do you give too much time and thought to food?

Do you look forward with anticipation and pleasureto the time when you can eat alone?

Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?

Do you eat sensibly around others and make up for it alone?

Is your weight affecting the way that you life your life?

Have you tried a diet for a week (or longer) only to fall short of your goal?

Ok computer savvy people, I need your help here.  How do I add info on my blog page??  I’ve seen some blogs where on the top it says “about me” and other neat links that are permanant on the blog.  They aren’t from buddyslim, but separate on the blog.  I would like to post a bio on my blog, but don’t know how.  Any help would be great, so I can better serve you on my blogs!! 

Man buddies, someone got ahold of our bank info and stole $1600 from our checking account!! This sucks majorly.  I had a police officer come out last night and file a report, I also went to the bank and filed affidavits.  So they used my card as a visa, but it was never stolen.  So they must have duplicated my card and got my info somehow and went on a major shopping spree.  So I amfeeling mad, but still not overeating, but yet I am MAD!!!  But the bank will give me a provisional credit soon.  Luckily I had money in our savings to cover our house payment, etc. 

Last night I took the intro class at our community college.  I wasn’t able to register for a class since its been over 7 years since i’ve attended school there.  So I am going to try to find a class to take at night.  My one goal is to get my associates degree.  I gave up on myself so many times, but now I am going to get my butt together (got the weight thing together already) so school is the next thing to do.  So yeah me!

Its a short blog today, I will comment on some today.  Love you all!

Tina

Well buddies, I’m back from my adventures in Jellystone.  The weekend weather was horrible to say the least!!  Here in Illinois its in the 90’s and humid, we drove 3 hours north to Wisconsin and it was cold and rainy and in the 60’s one day!!!  It was so weird.  But we had a good weekend spending time together.  I pretty much fell off the wagon and let it run me over a few times (OOPS!) but I’m back on it so thats all that matters.  SOmetimes the best thing is for me to face the music and get on that scale.  I didn’t like what I saw, BUT I faced the truth instead of being in denial.  Thats how I would gain back the weight in the past.  So at least I know that I won’t be over 200 ever again.  We had fun roasting smore’s (yum) and of course I couldn’t resist.  That was hard.  And eating lots of premade processed foods was very hard for me.  I would do pretty good for breakfast, so-so with lunch, and a big glutton by dinner.  But now I am back on the wagon so yippie me. 

My daughter had her doctors appt on Thursday.  They were all very nice so that made it a lot easier considering the circumstances.  They took an x-ray of her wrist to measure bone age then also took some blood from her arm.  I had to help hold her down, that was horrible.  It was really hard for me to not cry, but I made it through and so did my daughter.  We have a follow up appt on the 24th, and also we are going to meet with a nutritionist since my daughter is on the heavy side.  So we are really trying to cut down on the junk and fast food with our kids, its going to be a challenge but worth it.

My son starts kindergarten on the 22nd, I can’t believe it!!  Seems really weird to be in the world of kids in school (well 1 kid).  Its going to be a big change.  My son is ready for it, he’s excited, and he also wants to ride the bus.  Our school picks up and drops off at your driveway for kindergarten, so he is going to go on if he still wants to.  Which is good since my dd naps sometimes in the afternoon and his school is from 12:45-3:35.  It seems weird he will be going to school.  As I write this he is resisting going to bed, he’s calling for me, but I am ignoring him.  He needs to go to sleep gosh darnit!!  (I also need time away from the kids!).

I went for a 45 minute walk tonight, it was really good (even though it was hot outside).  I felt great afterwards.  I am going to try to do some sort of exercise 5x a week, that is my goal.

I am going to sign up for my college class this week.  I have to re-register since its been a long time since I’ve taken a class.  I am doing that tomorrow night when dh comes home. 

Well gotta run everyone, had to give you an update.  Love you all!

Tina

And I am a compulsive overeater.  I had to say this today, because I am just barely hanging on.  Even though I have lost a lot, I will never be “cured” of this compulsive in my head.  It might go away for a long time, but it rears its ugly head when I least expect it.  Yes, I have worked with my food issues in the past, and yes I am a lot different than I used to be.  But when I put my guard down and things happen, I get out of control.  Thats what has been happening for the last 2-3 weeks.  I eat when I am NOT hungry, I haven’t been exercising that much, and I am lying to myself.  I am tired of it.  I wish the part of my brain could be cut out, food has this hold over me sometimes that is like a drug.  So anyway, this weekend we went away for a family vacation to Jellystone Park.  Its a great place, the weather didn’t cooperate.  It was in the 60’s in August!!  What’s that all about, so what did I do??  Eat a bunch of garbage, I did ok at breakfast, then lunch was so-so, then by dinner I was out of control.  Its something I will struggle with forever.  I know I have said this before, but its so true.  I am never going to just lose the weight and be “normal”.  I will always struggle with food no matter how much I weigh.  That is the part of me that is mad, that I can’t just get rid of that part of my brain!!!  But my buddy Lena knows what I am talking about, the all or nothing thinking.  The old Tina would throw in the towel from this bad weekend and quit the whole “eating healthy” thing.  I would eat and eat, gain about 50+ pounds, feel horrible, then start the cycle again, only to end in failure.  I would set these high expectations of myself, never to be able to reach them, then when I failed I would beat myself up then quit and devour whatever was in sight.  Its a sad, vicious cycle, but I’ve done it too many times to count for my entire life.  Except for just recently.

Now I am battling just staying sober in my mind.  Sure I am not gaining a bunch of weight, my clothes fit, and I am maintining.  But my mind isn’t sober and its driving me crazy.  I want that healthy mentality back that I used to have.  Sugar and snacky binge foods have stolen that from me.  And even if I can control my sugar and fried foods, and not gain an ounce, I will still THINK about the food, when I can eat it, how, where, etc etc.  Its all in my mind, and I obsess about food instead living life.  So Iam stating again that I am a compulsive overeater and I am going to surrender it all again!!!

I have been having some family stresses, not to make any excuses, but I have.  My dear daughter, who will be 3 on the 19th, is going to a pediatric endocrinologist tomorrow for some bloodwork and testing.  She is showing signs of  maturing too quickly for her age, and might have to go on some medicine.  I am very concerned and emotional about it, so I know that has to do with some of my eating, but I can’t let that be an excuse.  I pray that everything goes ok tomorrow for my daughter, and if she does have a disorder she can be treated.  I will keep you updated on her as I find out info.

So buddies, I wanted to write today to express how I am feeling and to let you know that no matter how far I have come, I always will have this, but I will overcome, yes I will!!!

I love all of you buddies, you don’t know how much your kind words mean to me, I treasure you all!

Hi buddies, I am on a vacation with my fam this weekend.  We are at the Jellystone camp resort, we are renting a cabin, its a lot of fun (except for my dd woke up at 5:30 this am!).  Anyway I am not a morning person, it must be light out for me to function in the morning!!

Anyway, I am doing BAD with my food, I can’t get my act together.  So today I am committing myself to better choices (they are limited when camping!!) and lots of water and walking walking walking.  I will not snack unless I am starving, and I will stop beating myself up.

Its so frustrating sometimes that no matter how much I’ve lost, I will always be addicted to food.  It might not be as out of control as it used to be, BUT I always will have to be aware of my food.  The last few days it has been annoying that I am going to watch and be aware of everything, but then I also realized that this is how thin people are.  They don’t eat with reckless abandon, and I can’t ever do that unless I want to be a plus size again.  NOT!!!  So I did buy a new pair of siz 12 shorts for my trip, my size 14’s were so baggy I kept having to pull them up like an old man!!  LOL

So I am going to head down to the starbucks in the resort and get a mega sized one, some snacks for the kiddies, and nothing for me.  I am NOT going to have carbs, or at least bad carbs for breakfast, that sets me up for failure, for sure.

Miss you all, will be back in full force on Monday.

Tina